Why Do I Seek Validation from Everyone?

Do you find yourself seeking validation from everyone?

Are you afraid to say no, just incase they think you’re awkward, or uncaring?

Let’s put a stop to that, starting today.

 

Validation from everyone makes us feel safe.

I used to be just like you. Constantly trying to please everyone, just in case they’d hate me if I didn’t!

The reason we do it is obvious, isn’t it?

The only way we can be worthy of anything at all is if other people make us feel worthy. Without the sacred ‘validation’ we’re worthless.

It sounds stupid when you say it out loud, but what we’re saying is, we can’t be happy unless everyone likes us. We need that validation from everyone.

But, it’s impossible to change the way another person thinks. So, the only way to stop feeling like this, is to change the way we think.

Now, I know it’s not easy.

I struggled for years, but as long as you start small and make tiny improvements every day, anyone can kill the validation monster.

 

Why do we do it?

We’re a social species. Our genetic disposition is to be part of a tribe, so wanting approval from others is somewhat natural.

Everyone want’s to be liked. But, it becomes a problem when ‘being liked’ becomes the most important thing.

Putting all that effort into trying to influence other people is wasteful and pointless. Sure, there are some good reasons for wanting the acceptance of others, but we’d be much happier if we’d only concentrate on ourselves for a change.

 

“A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.” ~ Vernon Howard

 

One of the big ‘validation activities’ today is Facebook. You’d probably think that Facebook would be a great place for people with low self-esteem to converse and share their lives? A place where their friends hang out, so there’s no judgement.

Unfortunately, according to the Association for Psychological Science, this isn’t the case.

Their study revealed people with low self-esteem tend to behave counter-productively. In it, they say that people with low-self-esteem,  were much more negative in their updates, than people with higher self-esteem.

This made ‘non-close friend’ Facebook readers of the posts, like them even less (around 50% of your Facebook friends are actually only acquaintances, or often even strangers).

So, because they were providing their Facebook friends with negative info about their lives, instead of getting validation from everyone, they were actually making themselves less likeable. Who knew?

note: Each set of status updates in the study was rated for how positive, or negative it was. For each set of statements, an undergraduate Facebook user rated how much they liked the person who wrote them.

 

Taking action

As a first step, realize that your need for validation from others, stems from one or more beliefs that YOU have about YOU.

Knowing this, why would you think that someone else’s approval will change the way you feel about yourself?

A quick google search will give you pages of tips to help you make positive changes, but there are some internal changes you’ll need to make for them to stick.

Here’s a few to start you off on the right track…

 

Increase your self-acceptance.

Keep a self-appreciation journal.

You can use it to note down the things you’re most proud of about yourself.

It might be something like a good choice you made during the day, or something you’ve learned that’ll help you in the future, etc.

Try to write three things every day. By the end of the month, you’ll have a list of almost 100 things you’re proud of about you.

 

Validate yourself.

I wouldn’t mind betting, that when you go to someone, to tell them about a task you’ve achieved, or a problem you’re having, you’re mainly looking for their approval. At the very least you’re hoping they’ll tell you you did nothing wrong.

So, give that approval to yourself first.

Ask yourself how you feel about it. eg: If it’s something you’ve done, are you pleased with the way you acted? Would you do the same thing next time? Is there anything you would change next time?

Also, notice your language, self-talk, and behavior. Identify if it’s coming from wanting someone else to say you made a good decision, or made the right choice.

Next time, when you do make a decision, check with yourself that it feels right instead.

Every time you validate yourself, you require less validation from everyone else.

The difficulty though, is that in the beginning, we find it harder to accept the praise we’re giving to ourselves. But, it does become easier the more you do it.

By all means continue to ask your friends for advice and support, but as an addition to what you know is right, rather than because your not sure if it is.

 

Final thoughts

It’s also important to be honest with yourself when you take on a new task. Are you doing it doing it because it is ‘right’ for you, or because you want to get approval from the person you’re doing it for, or with?

Start to do things that are also beneficial for you. Don’t solely rely on things that only please other people. Because, until you start to respect the things you want, you’ll always be chasing the approval of everyone else.

Start a journal and list down the different tasks you do each day. How many of them were good for you, and how many were driven by people pleasing?

If you’re having other issues with your self-esteem, there are lots of things you can do to help. In fact, there’s some of the common ways right here.

How has the need for approval impacted your life? Let me know in the comments 😉